Dear Princess,

Yesterday I looked at the chalkboard calendar in my home office and couldn’t help but begin to cry. I looked up at the word September and all the days marked off leading up to the 27th, where a giant blue frowny face filled the square. There were no more days marked off, despite it being October. 

Your dad and I call it our “dumb-slut brain acting up”. Dumb because our brains keep telling us “If you don’t do the task, time doesn't move forward and you can stay there forever.” And slut because we both use vulgarity to cope. 

As I looked at my chalkboard calendar with the word September written in red at the top, my dumb-slut brain was acting up and telling me that if I didn’t change the calendar to October I would be able to stay in September with you.

I wouldn't have to move forward into the first month without you here. 

I wouldn't have to leave you behind in a forever-September. 

And I wouldn’t have to face the reality that you’re dead and gone.

Unfortunately that’s not how time works. 

As I continue to mourn the loss of you, I find myself wishing for all the one-mores. One more cuddle. One more nap. One more car ride. One more treat. One more play session. One more bark or snore. One more kiss on your head. One more ear scratch. 

But we both know one more would never be enough. 

Between all the crying and one-more wishing, I also feel moments of intense gratitude and appreciation. How lucky am I to have had a dog that was such a loving soul? Out of all the puppies I could have ran into and adopted, how blessed was our family to have gotten one of the sweetest puppies? 

Just acknowledging the sheer amount of sorrow and pain that comes with saying good-bye automatically points to how much love was shared in our home because of you. 

So yes, my sweet little baby, I will miss you for forever. I will never look at a warm patch of grass and not wish that I saw you there basking in the sun. I will never look at dog treats again and not automatically think about the ones you loved and the ones you hated. And I will never look at a Sonic burger and tots and not be reminded of how that was your last meal and you loved it. 

I will always remember how you wagged your tail when your dad or I entered a room. I will always remember how you whined when you felt you were too far away from us-even if you were 2 feet away from us you wanted it to be less than a foot. I will always remember how you looked up at us with those soulful eyes with all the love in the world. I will always remember your soft snores. And I will always hold you in my heart. 

I love you my sweet baby girl. And I know I’ll see you again when the time is right. 

Love you for forever,

Momma

A note to my readers:

When you find yourself grieving the loss of a loved one, remember that you get to take your time with this. Find things that help you process the death while taking care of yourself. Some tips that could help you in your grieving process are:

• Having a ceremony to say good-bye. Several days after laying Princess to rest, my husband and I released flowers at a local pond. It allowed us to say our good-byes in a more peaceful way and feel that we paid respects to her. 

• Simplify your life while you mourn. Let’s face it, you’re not going to want to do anything the first few days after a loss. And that’s ok. If the dishes and clothes need to sit for a bit, let them. If you need paper plates and cups for a few days, get them. If eating is difficult, turn to finger foods until you’re ready for a meal. 

• Distract when needed. The first few days after Princess’s passing I only played video-games and watched YouTube videos (I highly recommend Good Mythical Morning). Having these distractions allowed me to take much needed breaks from grieving. 

• Talk about it when you can. Talking to my husband about it has been one of the most helpful things. It made me feel less alone and more understood. If you can’t talk to your partner or another loved one about it, find a therapist that specializes in pet grief. 

• Don’t talk about it when you don’t want to. When my husband and I made the decision to lay Princess to rest, I let my office mates know I was taking a few personal days without giving reasons why. When I returned to the office one of my good friends asked me if I was ok. With tears welling up in my eyes I jokingly said through tearful eyes “oh don’t ask me that right now”. She respected it, saying she loved me and she was here for me. People want to help, and everyone comes from a good place when they ask how you’re doing. But that does not mean you have to talk to them about it if you don’t want to. 

• Move through the grief at your own pace. We tend to think that we need to muscle our way through unpleasant experiences. But that’s not true at all, we can take our time and move at our own pace. As you read I was not ready to change the calendar from the month that Princess passed. I also was not ready to wash her blankets, throw away her toys, or remove her bed. Only you are going to know the pace you need to move with in your grieving process. 

This blog was originally published on 10/07/2024. © (Victoria Prather, LLC)  2024- present