As I scrolled through the email, zooming past the instructions and consents I’ve read earlier, I found the link and clicked. I was all set up in my home office, waiting for the group to start. 

I had signed up for the group a month earlier after seeing it advertised on FaceBook. My brainspotting trainer and her husband (Mari and Greg of Awakened Roots) were leading this group. Once they logged on, I felt a combination or excitement and nervousness. 

They had mentioned in their posts how powerful breathwork could be and the benefits of it. They also mentioned how intense it could be and we should properly prepare beforehand (drink enough water, use the restroom before, don’t eat for at least 2 hours prior). 

After introductions and sharing intentions our teachers explained to us what to expect. 

Mari: “We will be doing a 2 part pranayama breath. Start with inhaling into the belly, then the chest, then push it out through your lips. In, in, out. In, in, out.” 

After doing several practice breaths, she then went into the details of what to expect.

Mari: “Don’t be surprised in your hands and limbs start to cramp up or seize. Scientifically, its the body’s reaction the the imbalance of oxygen and will go away when you start to take slower and deeper breaths. Spiritually, when the body tenses and cramps up it’s because you’re releasing something. So just be prepared, listen to your body.”

Greg: “Everyone ready? We will begin when the music we have starts playing.” 

I laid down and put my blindfold on, eagerly waiting for this experience. 

Greg: “Here we go! Start your breathing!” 

As soon as he said that the music started playing and I began my breathing. In. In. Out. In. In. Out. Belly. Chest. Out. Belly. Chest. Out. 

My mind started to wander into mindless chatter. This is very drum-y tribal music. To help us keep up the pace? Focus! Focus! This is hard! I didn’t think this would be so hard! Wait, why is my neck starting to feel warm? That’s interesting. It’s spreading! Focus! In. In. Out. In. In. Out. Belly. Chest. Out. Belly. Chest. Out.

Then the frustration came in. Why can’t I focus?! This is so difficult! I can’t keep up! I’m not going to get anything out of this! I keep messing up the rhythm! Damnit! In! In! Out! In! In! Out! Belly! Chest! Out! Belly! Chest! Out!

Mari’s calming voice came in: “Don’t worry about the rhythm, soon this breath will be breathing you.” 

Ok, I can do this, keep going. Belly! Chest! Out! Belly! Chest! Out!

Then the cramping started to seep in. Not enough to cause pain, but enough to be noticeable. Ok, I’m moving something! Something is happening! But why wont my mind shut up?! Belly! Chest! Out! Belly! Chest! Out!

The cramping intensified, the music changed, and suddenly I felt a lump in my throat. My mind was full of messages of a block in my throat, my 5th chakra, my truth of expressions. What is this block? What’s going on? Belly! Chest! Out! Belly! Chest! Out!

Suddenly my mom appeared in my mind. Mom? Why are you here? Is there work to do around the relationship? I thought I healed that. What else is there? Can you show me? Belly! Chest! Out! Belly! Chest! Out!

“You need to let go. You can let go and be ok” she said softly. And then she was holding me. I realized it wasn’t that I needed to work on my relationship with her, I needed her there to feel safe enough to let go, to unblock my throat. Belly! Chest! Out! Belly! Chest! Out!

Greg: “Keep going you guys! Send the energy to your heart center.”

Ok mom, I’ll let go. As I kept breathing and allowed myself to cry, I felt the cramps intensifying. My hands folding in on themselves, a coldness and tingly sensation all over my skin. Belly! Chest! Out! Belly! Chest! Out!

Mari: “Now let’s slow down and take in the juices of all that work.” 

As I began to slow down my breath an intense and clear message came through all the noise and music. I saw myself sinking into the earth with arms of white light lovingly carrying me into the center of the earth. The message “Come home to me” rang loudly in my head. Watching myself sink deeper and deeper into the earth, only hearing “Come home to me”, I knew what it meant. Belly! Chest! Out! Belly! Chest! Out!

Greg: “Start to take slower and deeper breaths, gently moving your body. Take your time, no rush.” 

I was suddenly back in my office on the floor, my limbs and fingers screaming in pain. I felt the residue of my dried tears on my cheeks. My skin still tingling all over. I started to bring slight movements into my fingers and toes. Slow and steady. Belly. Chest. Out. Belly. Chest. Out.

I slowly turned to my side, feeling (understandably) lightheaded. I slowly returned to the group, unable to share my experiences but making sure Mari and Greg knew I was ok. 

I sat there for awhile, knowing what my message meant for me. It was Mother Nature telling me it’s time to come home to her. To take my spirituality and work to the next level A deeper level. A level that can only come from having a relationship with her and all her creatures. And to stop running from the spiritual, wild, loving, witchy, hippy woman I feel I am in my heart for the sake of others. 

To this day, I am so appreciative of Mari and Greg for sharing this with me, and am dedicated to bringing this work into my therapy with my clients as well as my spiritual practices. 

This blog was originally published on 10/07/2024. © (Victoria Prather, LLC)  2024- present